I have been finding it harder and harder to get time away from my children. With covid-19 it can be difficult to go outside my apartment. I have not had any significant time away since the start of the pandemic. My children are very attached to me. They want to always follow me and se what I am doing. They are able to take care of themselves, but they do not like to.

Today my uncle is going to be watching my boys so I can get some time with just my wife. We are just going to have a date in our apartment, but I am very excited about it. For the first time in a long time, I will be just responsible for myself.

Everyone needs a break sometimes even stay at home parents.

People think that being a stay-at-home parent is easy until they have to do it. I all the housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry, watch the children, teaching the children, shopping, and finances. I watch my brother’s children as well as my own when he needs me to.

We do not make much money so I make every meal from scratch to save money and make things healthier. I make my own spaghetti sauce, noodles, sausages, Alfaro sauces, bead and many other things. I often make meals that I can freeze for when we are not feeling very well. WE buy many of our ingrediencies in bulk so it is more cost effective.

My wife is able to work, but she has some health problems. Hemiplegic migraine they are not like regular migraines, the symptoms are closer to a stroke. She also has an auto immune disorder.

The only way they know see it not having a stroke is with an MRI. The hemiplegic migraines make it so see is unable to control her body at times. During those time she needs a lot of help. Some time she just has trouble speaking, but other time it is much worse. some of the time she is paralysis on one side of her body. Some time she completely loses control of her body and can on move at all

When she is having problems see needs help walking, bathing and eating. If she completely loses control, I cannot lift her I need to just make her comfort where ever she Is at.

We have tried to get help for her, but her condition it rare. Her neurologist will not even try to do anything and just sent us to a different neurologist about 3 hours drive from where we live.

The new neurologist wants her to he takes the medications that worsened her condition to prove she is having her condition to prove she is having her condition. They know she is having the condition but because they did not diagnose it. They also want her to medication not covered by our insurance that we cannot afford.

We can not afford to make her condition worse and drive over 3 hours for appoints that we don’t know will help.

Lately she has been having a Hemiplegic Migraine about twice a month. Stress can trigger them so I try to help her as much as I can.

Nothing makes me more angery than when someone tells me I am yelling when I am not. Something about it makes me see red. It is about the only surefire way to get me to yell.

Just because you don’t like what I said does not mean I was yelling. My voice never raised. You can’t say I yelling just, because I say something while I am upset. It’s not fair and I don’t appreciate it.

It has been a long time since I have made a post. I had some things that happened in my life that where really hard to deal with. I put my trust in some one that I knew I should not have. We tried to help my My father-in-law as much as we could, but he was just using us.

We spent thousands paying his expenses to try to help him out. We paid his mortgage, home insurance, car insurance and many other expenses including replacing the roof on his house. We also spent much of our time taking care of him. We did all the cooking, cleaning, and other house hold tasks to help him out.

This is something that is hard for me to talk about. I think that it is final time for me to let it all out.

My wife and I where forced to completely cut off most of her family for the way they handled the situation. They told us it was our fault because we should have known what he was like. They blamed us when he stopped paying his bills, because we were no longer giving him money.

They would not leave us alone, insisting we should go to family functions with my father-in-law and just be ok with what he did.

The story is much worse that this, but it is not my place to share many of the details. I will say there is a history of abuse. My wife was abused both by her parents and her siblings.

My wife’s parents also stole a lot of money from her including, taking out a 24,000$ loan in her name, taking out credit cards in her name and stealing her pay checks before we were married.

We are still trying to recover from the debt they put us under.

She made up with her parents before her mother died. We moved in with them and agreed to pay half of the mortgage and electric. We lived in a half-finished basement. We did our best to try to make it our own.

We were trying to help them out, but after her mother died her father thought he could do whatever he wanted. He did not have enough money to pay all his bills so we helped him as much as we could. We even gave him so spending money each week.

We paid over 12,000$ of his expenses in an eight-mother period after my mother in-law died not including rent, half of the electric and internet. We Even pre-paid his car and homeowner’s insurance for a year to get cheaper rates.

He told us we need to pay him 1,500$ a month plus pay for all of his expenses many of which we were already paying for. This we more than we made in a month, especial after factoring our own expenses. we left immediately; we received all sorts of treats from him.

We received calls from her brothers cursing at her because she would not give them her social security number and that is when we decided to cut them all off.

This was from almost a year ago, but I could not post it.

Things have been a bit difficult lately. We had been spending all of our money to try to help someone out, only to be driven out of our home. We are currently living in a hotel right now and are looking for an apartment.

I don’t care about the money. The issue I am having is knowing that you are doing everything to help someone just to have them stab you in the back. There is no more trust. I will never be able to trust them again.

Since we decided to leave I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I had been carrying an extra burden that I never knew about. God was right there helping me lift it the whole time. God let me know when it was time to leave. I know my family will be taken care of.

At some point you can not help people any more. The best thing you can do is listen to your heart. Letting someone destroy your life is not helping them, it is just giving them power over you.

Communication is very hard for me. I struggle with even the smallest of conversations. The more people there is around me the harder it is for me to talk. If I am upset communication is almost impossible for me. It is very frustrating when I am trying to talk to someone, and I can’t.

Failed communication often leads to meltdowns. Failed communication makes me much more likely for me to give up on talking all to gather. I don’t like talking much. I find it much easier to talk one on one with people.

I do not speak well. Some time a leave long pauses between my words and other times I completely forget about what I am saying and start talking about something completely different. I like listing more than talking. I often fall to keep up my side of the conversation saying way too little or nothing at all. Sometimes I talk way too much and fail to realize the other person is becoming annoyed.

I don’t like phone calls, texting or any other form of written communication. Writing these blog posts are hard for me. I do it because it helps me move outside of my comfort zone and hopefully become more confident.

I can’t tell if it is helping much, but I think working on my book is. With my book I don’t feel like it is a message to anyone just a thing people can read.

I have been making progress writing my book. I am at about 9000 words. I am getting very excited. I am having a good day today and I am hoping I can write some more today.

I have been using noise canceling headphones for a while now. I lost my water proof ear buds in the yard and ran them over with the lawnmower. They stopped working shortly after that. I need to get new ones, so I can use them in the shower.

My noise canceling head phones are awesome. There are a few problems. They don’t cancel all the noise, they are not water proof and they are harder to transport because of their size.

My head phones non affiliate link

I think when I got them, they were only 59$, but they might have been on sale.

They help a lot when I need to be around other people. Sometimes I use them just to block out the noise from the air conditioner. I use them while I am mowing the lawn and working outside.

I just did not think you could get any kind of quality noise canceling for under 300$. I can’t see spending that much on something that could get lost or broken without knowing it will help me. If I ever get more money, I might get a nicer pair.

One major complaint I have is I if you leave on the noise canceling switch it uses up all the battery. If you charge it again while the switch is still on as soon as you unplug them, they start discharging. sometimes my wife will unplug them when they are done charging and by the time, I go to use them they will be dead.

They broke around the height adjustment thing. Now with out a zip tie one whole side falls apart. There was just a thin piece of plastic holding it all together. The sound is great good bass. The noise canceling could be a bit better, but is good for the price.

I want to try the hybrid model to see if the noise canceling is any better, and it looks a bit sturdier.

  I would love to test some of the more expensive headphones to see how they compare.

It is hard for me to see the progress I have made in my life. I feel like I constantly sinking in quicksand. My wife keeps telling me how proud of me she is and how much progress I have made.

I can only seem to see how I am doing right now and can not imagine how I was before. My therapy has helped me find some ways to channel some of my nervous energy away mostly through guided imagery.

I still have a lot of issues. I have very low executive function. Problems with bathing and personal hygiene. The though of leaving my house terrifies me and I still can barley talk to my father in law.

I have started writing a book. I am about 7000 words into it I am hoping to get it published. I am hoping if I can do that I might not feel like as much of a failure and maybe it will bring in a little bit of money.

I love my boys so much. They help me learn what it means to have someone that truly cares about you. They have helped me to become a better person.

This week has been one of the hardest times in my life. My wife needs to be with me and the rest of her family. I need to be alone, I need to have time to process stuff by myself. I do not do well around other people.

I feel like my mind is being shredded in a blender every time I am forced to be in a group. There are people everywhere. I just wish I could get a break, but mom was the one who always helped me watch the kids. I just want to lock myself in my closet and never come out again. I don’t know how I can go to my appointment tomorrow. I feel like something inside me has snapped.

I don’t ever think I will be comfortable in social situation.