Progress

I have made some progress over the last couple of years. Before I was barely able to do anything on my own. I could not order food, check out at the store, I could barely drive or do anything that involved me being around other people for any length of time.

Being around people is not the only thing that is difficult for me. I also have problems with sounds, smells, touch, motion and personal hygiene. Sometimes doing even the smallest tasks is too much for me. Having my wireless headphones is very helpful for this. My wife just found me a pair of noise canceling headphones that I am very excited about.

I have been doing much better about being around people in the last year or so. I do not think that I will ever enjoy being around people, but I think that with time I can learn better coping mechanisms that will help me not get so upset during social occasions.

Appointments are hard for me. I have lots of difficulty going to any kind of doctor’s appointment or even a visit to see my therapist. I always feel trapped. My therapist is trying to help me with guided imagery and breathing techniques, sometimes it can be helpful and other times it can make things worse.

I have an eye doctor’s appointment today. I am very nervous about it. I wish there is some way for them to sedate you and do an eye exam. I need new glasses and I am having problems with my eyes, so I need to go. I need to get my eyes dilated and I really hate that.

It is hard to go to therapy. I find it very difficult to talk to my therapist about the issues that I am having. I feel like most of our session is her calming me down to the point where I can talk to her. I don’t know if she realizes that I have a lot more problems than just anxiety. I do feel like she is helpful.

One thing I find helpful is making sure I can be comfortable in the situation. I can bring entertainment to give me something to focus on and wear comfortable clothing. One of the most helpful things that I can make sure that there is plan in place with my wife if I need to leave.

I needed lots of extra help while I was growing up. I was in speech, and physical therapy in school. I had to stop going to physical therapy, because I was too old for it. I had trouble with reading and I had all my test read to me all the way through school. I was told I have a reading disability possibly dyslexia.

Now I can read with the help of my kindle. Being able to change the font is very helpful to me. I have learned to understand when what I am reading does not make sense. I can also use my kindle listen to the audio if I am unable to read that day.

I found that many things that seemed to come easily for people was very difficult for me. I learned how to catch a ball when I was 18. I was spending some time in the hospital and one of the other patients taught me how.

The biggest thing that has helped me in my life is knowing I have a family that loves me for who I am. I know that even on my worst days my wife and children will still love me. My wife is very caring. She helps me to challenge myself while I am doing well, and she comforts me when I am having a bad day. My children know when I am not doing well. They will come and hug me if the see that I am having a hard time.

I want to be better for my family, so I can help them. I want to be able to teach Samuel things that he can do to help him live with his autism. Do not want him to live his whole life thinking that he was a failure like I have. It does not matter that whether you can do things that other people can, what matters is that you use your strengths to help you overcome your weaknesses.

I still have meltdowns, panic attacks, and sometimes it’s like my brain just shuts down, but the I can handle it better than I have been able to in the past. I have been making progress. Part of it has been getting to know myself better and learning how to cope better with the problems I have. I try to be a little better than I was before. I try to make progress, so I can be a better person. I try to push myself just a little bit farther every time. If I cannot handle things for a day its ok. I just need to do what I can when I can. If I push too hard I will have a meltdown.

I am glad that I am autistic, because it has helped me to understand that you do not need to be perfect to be important. Everyone is important. Just because someone one is different does not mean that you are better than them. Life is a journey and we are all traveling together. Spreading love and kindness is best way to help people.

The main thing I have learned is its ok for me to just try to be a better me and not to try to be someone I am not. I will never be normal and that’s ok. All I want is to be there for my family in a way that is helpful. I want to help them grow and become better people.

Writing this blog has helped me to express some of my feelings. I must pretend that no one is reading it to be able write it. I hope everyone is doing well.